Järjejutt 'Minstrel's Song' (by Gilraen)

[Die]

31.

I had never dreamed, never figured that I would be spending time with God. I called him thus now, boldly, gallantly, mockingly. Never again was I to utter his true name.

There are names that must not be mentioned, names of great importance and great havoc.

His name had saved me. It had given me the one answer I needed to survive. It did not matter that he did not know. However, it did bind me to him. We were both seeking.

During weeks that followed, I became to know God. And I learned to love him. Awkward was this love, though. So closely bound with hate that it became same being, and irresistible chaos, a new sort of magick.

Hell could wreak and scream, Heaven could utter curse, but I would not care. I was walking arm around my angel’s waist and I was talking to God, listening God, understanding God. And all of a sudden, world made sense to me.

I was almost happy – I was content. I was at peace with world and beings as I had vowed. And Michael, being able to love him, touch him, kiss him…

I know what Heaven is like. I’ve been there.

How could I describe what it means to be so close to one of your kind, your flesh, and soul? How am I to capture in words that fragile feeling that lifts you up from solid surface, makes you want to fly, and gives you the sensation that you are one with chaos.

I forgot I was doomed to kill him. What did it matter now that I could walk in the valley of God and love him?

Michael was like everything in me, but so much deeper, so much softer. If I was black and white then he was a thousand shades of grey. Ah, brilliant.

God was not angry with me. He knew why I had done things. We shared the purpose; the machinery tat pushed and pulled each fiber in us.

I had never loved Creator – I had been too alien, and he too powerfully jealous. I had never loved Creator but I did love God. In those few weeks, the three of us were like lovers, united in soul and body.

But frail is happiness and frail is peace. A couple of careless words may crush it and so often, they do.

We were speaking of you and God said, the words piercing his lips and my mind:[i9 what if she is somewhere out there and loves neither of us? [/i]

I begged that he be silent but on he went. Have you ever thought of that, my noble lover? What if she’s out there because she has willed it so? Just living her life, careless of us? You think that if you love her forever she’s supposed to love you forever as well? A woman’s heart is changing and frail, my friend. What if she has found a new love? What if she has found a dozen? What then? Shall you wait for her then? What if she has cursed you, forgotten you? What if she has betrayed you? What if she has betrayed us all?!

I cried out, asking him to stop right there but he was cruel in his sincerity.

What if I told you it’s all true? That she indeed has betrayed us all and is living off with her new lovers, neither knowing nor caring anything of her kingdom and us? What if I told you new races have spawn from her? What if I told you she has child, a baby boy with her new lover? What if I told you that she had a child with you and she killed it, so she would have no spawn from you, so she could go on and totally forget of you?! What if I told you she is NOT WORTHY!

I knew he was not lying. He showed me all he talked about. But it was simply too much. I was holding back tears but I was too weak, all my will and strength rendered from me. And I hated him for telling me. Yes, I preferred illusions; I preferred lies to this truth.

For there you were, jolly in the arms of your lover man, a malacra.

...

[Die]

When did I cease to be real? When did I become fiction?

I ceased to be real when you stopped believing in me. And my only life within these pages I have become mere fiction.

But I assure you – I have been real! And so have you…my love. I love you forever, that I cannot fight. But I shall also hate you forever – for making eternity a bitter, worthless place with no one to wait for. Doomed to live forever I am now doomed to solitude. You shall not come back and if you did – I would turn my back and flee. I cannot accept you any more. Not after all we have been through.

I have always been keen to believe that we have no choice. I have told you innumerous times, that we have no choice. And just perhaps, I have been mistaken. Now I believe we do have a choice – though a frail, but existing one. I made a choice to love you no matter what. You made a choice to leave me. You stirred my choice. So be it. You never told me good-bye. So be it.

This is my good-bye. Alas, Alele, we have had the world. Now you have mortality. Something I always loved in you but could never truly give you. I wish you happiness – though frail it shall be. I cannot wish that you forgot me. It is wise if you will, but I cannot wish that you did.

What will become of you, I know not. I try not to see the future. What will become after you leave the mortal cell I have even less knowledge about. I hope your soul will live – for after all, it is a beautiful soul, but then again I wish you became one with nothingness. Eternity was not made for you, Alele. It was never made for you.

As to me then… I shall try to live on and tell my tale, if not to you then to those few rare that would hark to listen and read. I am an old one, and a bitter one. Neither time nor space can touch me. Only you could. And you did.

Now I sit back and rise an imaginary glass with a toast: To life!

For I am Molock, no matter what.


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Siinkohal lugu katkeb. Kas see kunagi jätkub, kes teab.... võibolla Molock, võibolla isegi mitte tema.